2022.01.28 12:46 myboogerstastespicy TWoP Recap: ROL Bus E3
Unedited; questionable language
Previously on Rock of Love: Skank-brides!. And some other stuff. My DVR was apparently ashamed of my undying love for this show and sneakily tried not record it this week. Unfortunately for it, I turned on the TV at one minute after the hour. Unfortunately for everyone else who might care what happened in that minute, I missed it. I'm sure it just involved a bevy of lovely ladies waking up with cotton mouths and mascara smeared down their face and a vague sense that they are leading participants in humanity's downfall.
In any case, the 12 remaining girls pack and head out to the bus, where they find a postcard from Bret alerting them that their next stop is Champaign, Illinois. Kelsey doesn't know where Champaign is, but will be excited if they're going to the bottom of the bottle. Kudos to Kelsey for almost making sense. Wikipedia tells me that Champaign is also the home of REO Speedwagon! It's time to bring this ship into the shore and throw away the oars, because they are infested with crabs. The Bret Mail continues: "I'm looking for a woman who's fast on her feet while living the rock n' roll life. Gear up for some hard-hitting fun. Love, Bret." Whatever this is, let's hope it involves reconstructive dental surgery for at least one of Bret's beauties!
The girls head to the David S. Palmer Arena and Ice Rink. They run onto the ice in their short shorts and bikini tops and general auras of ridiculousness. Bret likes the combination of skimpy clothing and cold air; I'm assuming for obvious reasons. He says that he has two beautiful daughters and is looking for a woman who has a protective maternal instinct. Or at least an abundance of mammaries. And then he whips out Little Baby Bret, also known as the Chucky of the 2000s, who strangles his victims in their sleep with his scraggly weave. You may remember last year's Stroller Derby where Little Baby Bret made a similar appearance. For this challenge, the girls will have to use Little Baby Bret like a puck and guide him into one of his "cribs" with their hockey sticks. There is, of course, a twist. And that twist is the University of Illinois' women's kick-ass hockey club. Today their honorary captain is Lacey, best known for being called a dicksucker whorebag in front of her dad on Rock of Love season one (i.e. the greatest moment in televisual history). The girls are totally over her, just like the rest of us. Bret calls Lacey "The only woman who knifed me in bed and we lived to talk about it." That is so grody, for grammatical and other reasons.
Before the competition begins, the girls get some skating/hockey lessons from the team. Brittaney tells us that she hasn't put on skates in a long time, but it was actually kind of nice. She says that growing up she was a competitive ice skater. She was SO good in fact, that she was competing against 18-year olds and winning gold medals at the age of seven. But then a terrible accident befell her as she was practicing, and it took a young, strapping Robbie Benson to convince her that she didn't need actual working retinas, for she could look through the eyes of love. And/or she became a porn star. Seriously, Brittaney is whack. The girls put on some kneepads and helmets and fall a whole lot. Except, that is, for Kendra, who says she's a fabulous ice skater. Beverly looks particularly bad, which is a surprise for someone who looks like she knows her way around a field hockey stick, if you know what I'm saying.
Bret randomly picks team captains. They are: Ashley, Natasha, and Maria. The teams are configured as such: Ashley's Black Team features Kelsey, Marcia, and Farrah. Natasha's Blue Team has Brittanya, Mindy, and Taya. Maria's Pink Team features Melissa, Brittaney, and Beverly. Beverly, the last picked, stumbles over to her team and again it seems odd that this Peppermint Patty doppelganger is so uncoordinated. We get a commercial break to muse upon it.
When we return, the Rock of Love girls are fully suited up in their sports bras and leggings and skates. The real hockey girls are suited up like, well, hockey players, with the full-face masks and everything else. Normally I'm all for seeing these hos take a beating, but this actually seems dangerous! Bret explains that there are three nets where they can shoot Little Baby Bret for a goal. The nets are worth one, three, and five points. The real hockey players and Lacey are going to try to steal Little Baby Bret and kill him, or at least rip off his tiny wig in a humiliating fashion. It's like a miniature version of my greatest dream. Each team gets three Baby Brets, because the man is just that fertile.
The Blue Team is up first. Mindy tries to convince us that she's tough and crazy and fearless just like Lacey. Is she also as much of an annoying attention whore, I wonder? The first attempt for the Blue Team is not so successful. The girls fall all over the place, and Little Baby Bret is decapitated. We have our first injury, as Brittanya's naval piercing is all bloody and gnarled looking. Bret tells Lacey that she's accomplished her mission, as there is blood on the ice. Mindy next manages to score a goal for one point, and hopes that Bret sees her fire and tenacity. My guess is that he sees only a big Zamboni made of boobs. On their third and final attempt, Mindy manages to score three points for the Blue Team, much to Bret's delight. She gets a big hug and thinks, "Woah! Hello! You're awfully cute!" I mean, the Wakefield twins were edgier than this even in the very early Sweet Valley High books. Mindy is, like, straight out of The Babysitter's Club. Bret is so focused on Mindy's hot hockey skillz that it takes him a minute to notice that Natasha fell backwards ON HER HEAD. She doesn't look like she's doing so well, but eventually a medic comes to her and, along with Bret, helps her off the ice. The only lasting damage seems to be a fake eyelash that is irreparably askance. Bret tells us that Natasha took the hit like the man she is. In the Lifetime Movie Bus-ted: The Rock of Love 3 Story, Natasha will absolutely be played by Wesley Snipes. I smell an Emmy nod!
And speaking of, I have spent a little bit of time lately ruminating on who would comprise my ideal Rock of Love cast. Rest assured that Elaine Stritch and Rachel Maddow are on the list.
The Black Team is up next. They think that they're going to win by virtue of being able to skate better than Beverly. Their first outing on the ice ends with Baby Bret being thrown into the stands. Kelsey is certain that she's the best on her team, so is ready to just take the baby herself and go for a goal. She manages to do so without any defense by the real hockey girls, which is kind of odd. She scores one point. On their third try the real hockey girls are also noticeably absent, and Kelsey scores another one-point goal. With the ice clear, one wonders why she didn't go for the five points. Bret has a theory: "Kelsey is an awesome skater. But she is not a mathematician." To quote Farrah: "Oh, piss. You dumb bitch." Well-put, my buxom friend.
Finally, we have the Pink Team. Taya is certain that the Pink Team, with dead weight Beverly, does not stand a chance. Bret explains to everyone that the Black Team is already out of the running, and the Blue Team has four points. If the Pink Team ties with Blue, no one will go on a date except Bret and Lacey. If Otis, Lacey's creepola dad, can come again, I'm all for it. But lo, Beverly has a trick up her sports bra. She tells Melissa to give her the Baby Bret Puck, and indicates that she can, in fact, skate. I knew it! Their strategy is to go for the five-point goal and win outright. There is all kinds of chaos on the ice and people falling all over each other and it's impossible to see what's what, except for the moment when Melissa face plants and tells us that she thinks she might have popped her implant. I mean, it was bound to happen at some point on this show. The camera folks obviously didn't get a shot of Baby Bret going into the five-point goal during the actual competition, so they show him drifting peacefully in without anyone else on the ice. We may never know, or care about, what really happened, but for purposes of this show the Pink Team wins! They celebrate wildly as Farrah says, "Son of a... biscuit eatin' bulldog." She's folksier than Dan Rather!
In the locker room, Melissa pats her chest. She says that she's never fallen on her breasts so hard in her entire life. And all the other times she's just bounced back up. Apparently, Melissa has had to get one implant replaced previously, so is freaking out a bit. The medic comes to see her, and Melissa says that she wants to be sure she doesn't have a slow leak. The medic looks appropriately horrified, but has the presence of mind to ask if Melissa has silicone or something else. Melissa doesn't know. Ashley tells us that if Melissa busted a boob playing hockey, then she got her dinners done in Tijuana. The medic tells Melissa to call her doctor and get an x-ray. The suspense of whether she will have one pancake-floppy boob by the end of the episode is killing me!
Slow leak or not, Melissa is flat ironing her hair in preparation for her date with Bret. She and Brittaney talk about how excited they are to go on the date. When they meet up with him, Bret hugs Melissa. I paused to see if there was any visible deflation afterwards, but it's really impossible to tell. Melissa, Brittaney and Maria are in their skimpy ho duds, while Beverly sports some camos and a tank top. She says she's excited for their date no matter what it is, but that's because she really hasn't a clue of the horrors in store.
Meanwhile, things are happening on the pink bus. Things that smell like pee. Ashley, Kelsey, Marcia, Farrah and Natasha decide to do a little investigating in Brittaney's bunk. And really, if I smelled pee I'd probably assume that Britters was in some way involved. The first thing they find is food, followed by a whole bunch of ketchup packets. Ashley interviews, "Hey, I had a cheeseburger earlier and I could've used that shit." Condiment stashing is not cool! But the piece de resistance is yet to come. Natasha grabs a big tube sock, which was part of Brittaney's hockey ensemble. Inside this sock she finds... more socks. Let's allow Mindy to narrate: "After we left the locker room at the hockey arena, Brittaney went back into the locker room at some point... and took all of our dirty, smelly, sweat-soaked socks." And there is proof on video! Now, the knee pads I would understand, as she can use them in a professional capacity. But taking other people's sweaty socks is kind of random. Ashley squeals, "I don't feel safe! Why does she steal all of our used socks?" The next logical step from ketchup stashing and sock thievery is totally murder on a bus, so I understand where Ashley is coming from on this one.
Back on the date, Bret and his winning Pink Team ladies head to Big Al's, Bret's favorite Midwestern strip club. Romanticals! Bret wants to see if they can hang in one of his favorite places. By "hang" he means "hang...from a pole." Melissa interviews that once they rolled up to Big Al's and were in the midst of the limelight and the crowds, she realized she could handle this lifestyle. It's so hard to pick what on this show makes me saddest. Melissa tells us that all the strippers automatically took to her and were loving her. I bet they could smell the leaking silicone and hovered around her like she was a wounded bird. Look for one of them to shove some comforting feathers under her butt soon. Beverly tells us that this was not exactly her dream first date with Bret. While she likes to go out and party, she was a bit out of her element in this context. The ladies get on stage, and three out of four make for the pole. Beverly is of course the holdout, and she says that she's just not the type of girl who's going to show her ass to world. Brittaney, of course, is that type of girl, and as a bonus will dispense ketchup from her nether regions if you push on her nose.
The losers, meanwhile, have to unload their own luggage at the hotel. Farrah's reaction? "Aw, French." I love her. I am a terrible packer, so I feel these girls as they drag their suitcases up a flight or two of stairs. Marcia says that she has Brittaney in her suitcase, it's so heavy. She rhetorically asks, "Brittaney! Why did you eat those cheeseburgers?" Awesome.
Back at the strip club, everyone is having fun except for Beverly. If Bret had taken her to a Melissa Etheridge concert, she would totally be in her groove right now. Brittaney explains to us that she loves strip clubs, but she's not a stripper. Also, she's not ashamed of her career in porn, and she empowered women by teaching them how to do retirement funds. Maybe her entire retirement fund is made of sweat socks and ketchup? Actually, it's probably worth more than my retirement fund right now, so I shouldn't judge. Brittaney starts crying in her interview and telling how she's changed and wants a family and blah blah blah, but then she makes out with a stripper and shoves her boobs in Bret's face.
The crowd chants for Beverly to dance, but she won't do it. Bret wants to figure out what's going on with her -- because it would be really mysterious for a woman to be somewhat uncomfortable dancing on a pole at a strip club in front of cameras and cheering crowds -- so he takes her back into a private room and asks her wassagoinon. She tells him that she has three kids at home - which, woah! - and is worried what their friends are going to see and come back and tell them. And, wow. It's been so long since I've seen someone act like a reasonable, responsible adult on this show that I'm a little dumbfounded. Bret, of course, is a parent too, and so can understand. But for him to stop embarrassing his children he'd actually have to stop being Bret Michaels. So, he just wraps his bandana tighter and tells us that Beverly is being a bit of a buzzkill. He tells Beverly to be who and what she is. I thought that was what she was doing when she refused to be a big skankburger on the strip club stage. She loses major points for not using this opportunity to make out with Bret, though, even despite the fact that the bill of his hat stabbed her in the eye.
Back at the hotel, the losers note that Bret and his date winners have been gone a really long time. They're wondering if he's banging some former models and porn stars and Peppermint Patty and whatever Melissa is. Farrah will not be happy if Bret has sex with these lame bitches, with the exception of Maria who she admits is hot. Well, she is a retired model after all. The four winners finally return, and stumble off the bus and into their hotel rooms. Melissa tells us that it really sucked that she didn't get to spend any alone time with Bret, and it also sucked that their date was at a strip club. But she had found her people! The ones who would stick a finger in her leaky implant like the boy in the proverbial dyke!
As you might have guessed, tales of the sock-stealing have continued well into the evening. Brittaney catches wind of this and denies any sock-thievery and/or wrongdoing, but the others aren't having it. Natasha emphatically states, "You stole our dirty socks!" and claps her hands. Let's allow Brittaney to explain, shall we? "I'm not a thief. I would never steal anything. I did ask the owners of the ice rink that provided the socks to us if I could take the socks, and they very much did say yes, and, you know, these girls could definitely verify that. So, they should stop being catty and think of something better to pick on me about." Um, like the fact that you ASKED if you could take crusty, dirty, sweat-soaked socks? The other girls are pretty mean, and Brittaney ends up spending the night on the bus. One can only hope that there is an extra small pair of socks that she can stick in her ears to muffle the cries of "Sock stealer!" and "Kleptomaniac!" that ring through the night.
And then! It is still night, or perhaps early morning, and Natasha and Brittanya are awoken by a voice. It is the voice of Melissa, on the phone. She is, the other girls surmise, talking to her boyfriend. Gasp! She says that she's over this, and screw this, and she's better than this, and doesn't want to be a part of this anymore. And then she says that she doesn't like Bret as a person. Oh my God -- Melissa is not there for Bret! It's the age-old tragic tale. Melissa then goes on to say that Bret wears extensions and looks really old. Now, on the one hand, Melissa is making some fine points. But on the other hand she pretty much sucks. It's a conundrum. Mindy asks, quite rightly, why Melissa would talk so loud that everyone could hear her. Maybe the leaking silicone has traveled to her ears and caused a blockage?
In the morning, Natasha and Brittanya waste precious little time telling everyone else about Melissa's call. For her part, Melissa wakes up with her hand throbbing and her boob throbbing and decides to go to the emergency room. She in fact does have a slow leak in her boob and torn tendons in her hand. Unlike the kindly strippers, however, the other girls have no sympathy for the wounded. As soon as Melissa gets back, they pounce on her and accuse her of making fun of Bret to her boyfriend. And again, this is like a daily activity for most of us who watch this show. But it is sort of dumb for Melissa, of the equally haggard face and extensions, to have spouted this so blatantly. She is also wearing tapered knee-length jean shorts, which pretty much negates anything she says that might make her seem even a little cool.
Bret goes to see the ladies in their hotel and learns from Brittaney and Melissa that they are being picked on. Neither of them tell him why, but Natasha busts in to notify Bret that Brittaney is a sock thief. Bret interviews that Brittaney's porn star mystique is starting to wear off, and then posits the theory that she's crazy. Not crazy cool. Crazy crazy. Farrah and Ashley then decide to have a two-on-one with Bret and tell him about Melissa's call. He asks what she was saying, and they are forced to tell him that she said he had fake hair. If Bret has read the Internets at any point in the last year and a half, he's probably built up some coping mechanisms for this line of critique. He is not thrilled that Melissa is making fun of him and might have a boyfriend, so goes to talk to her. Melissa's strategy is to deny everything and say that people pick on her because she's intelligent and carries herself well. If I were constructing a defense, I would try to make it believable. But that's just me. Melissa starts going on about how Bret hasn't gotten to know her. Which, good move on his part. Bret interviews that Melissa has been hot and cold all along, and we get a montage to back up his story. He tells her that she's like a bipolar roller coaster, and they haven't even had sex yet. Yeah. After sex the bipolar roller coaster is pretty legit, I think. Melissa tells Bret that when she dates somebody it's not because of how they look, but because of how they treat her. She says she wants him to look at her when he talks to her. He says he is, but it's kind of hard to tell since he has dark sunglasses on. Melissa interviews that Bret is full of crap, and that she's questioning all of his antics. Antics? Just when she has me, she loses me again.
Eliminations! Is it me or is Big John looking kind of fine these days? Bret tells the girls that if anyone has anything to say, they should spit it out. Farrah, who is wearing black lace fingerless gloves to go with her green mock turtleneck spandex mini-dress, tells Bret that she's here for him, whereas other girls who tell their boyfriends that Bret has fake hair aren't. Bret takes this opportunity to say that he has some of the finest quality extensions that Europe has to offer, so it's fine if you want to call him out on it. Oh, phew, I can sleep at night. Melissa then pipes in. She says that she's not feeling this at all. Bret tells her that they both knew that all along. He assumed that she had a boyfriend right at the beginning, and thinks she's a player. He didn't feel it either, he says, adding, "Your tour ends here, get the fuck out." The other girls erupt into wild cheers. Melissa exit interviews that she has a busted boob and a fucked-up arm and it so wasn't worth it. It's a cautionary tale for the ages.
With that out of the way, it's time to get rid of one other girl. Bret calls Kelsey first, followed by Natasha, Farrah, Ashley, Taya, Brittanya, Maria, Mindy, and Marcia. This leaves Brittaney and Beverly. Bret tells Brittaney that she's a beautiful girl and adds that he's not interested in looking at the past. He then tells Beverly to be who she is -- if she feels like partying at night, fine, but she also has kids and he understands where she's coming from. And it's Beverly who gets a pass. Beverly is happy and says that she's willing to put up with all the bullshit from the other idiot girls because she wants to get to know Bret. Bret tells Brittaney that her tour ends here. She just stands there on the platform with psycho noises playing in the background as he and Big John leave. Hopefully a Brittaney Starr film festival can make Bret forget about all the crying and drama and sock thievery that the real Brittaney engaged in. Brittaney exit interviews that she can't wait to give the world the love that she has. Through porn. And socks.
Next week: Roadie challenge! Taya falls off the stage like she's Liza Minelli. And Ashley accuses Beverly of hitting on Bret's drummer!
Potes can never hate Bret entirely, because he's a Steelers fan. Wave your Terrible Towel at email@example.com.
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2022.01.28 12:46 ScorpioOfShadows Doki-Doki Universe - Home
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2022.01.28 12:46 LunarAntique Waterfalls and Cherry Tree (pixel sorting + digital painting)
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2022.01.28 12:46 qqq666 Anyone experienced this playing fifa 22?
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2022.01.28 12:46 criscobeefslaps Help with an upcoming 1500pt tournament
Hi there everyone!
I recently started collecting Ad-mech and as someone who has always loved the building / painting side of the hobby but never actually played any games - I'm struggling to put together a list that works for an upcoming tournament between 5-6 mates.
They're all very well-versed and basically I don't want to totally suck.
Anyways I was hoping that someone could give me an idea of where to start / what I should add to this to make up a good 1500pt list.
Skitarii Marshal x1 Tech Priest Dominus x2 Enginseer x1 Tech Priest Manipulus x1 Kastelan Robots X 2 Cybernetics Datasmith x 1 Serberys Raiders X 3 Kataphron Breachers x 3 Skitarii Vanguard x 20 Skitarii Rangers x 10 Onager Dunecrawler X 1 Dunestrider / Disintegrator (unbuilt) x1 Pteraxii Sterylisers x 5 Sicarian Infiltrators x 10 Electro priests X 5
Is there something viable in this? Any help is greatly appreciated :)
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2022.01.28 12:46 freewilllibrary Central Intelligence Agency CIA | Noam Chomsky
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2022.01.28 12:46 Auld_Evidence Homoerotic Volleyball at it's Finest
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2022.01.28 12:46 canadian-weed Immutable X | The first Layer 2 for NFTs on Ethereum
2022.01.28 12:46 LiterallyYerMother An actual last day after a string of "last days."
It's just so hard to actually make the first step and start a streak.
The past few weeks, I kept telling myself, "okay, today is the first day I don't smoke any weed," but I get withdrawals like appetite problems, fogginess/fatigue, and insomnia, and those are always things that make me say, "okay, I can't do it today. Maybe tomorrow."
I always get insomnia after quitting weed. I wanted to quit on Monday, but then I would have had to be awake all night and then go through a full day of school and work while zonked out and sleep deprived.
But it's Friday, and I got nothing to do over the weekend except some homework.
I will not smoke today. I'll go through my whole day, and I know for certain that the insomnia will kick in tonight.
So I guess I'm going to stay up all night playing GTA IV for the first time in a decade.
Wish me luck!
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2022.01.28 12:46 NateOfThan My mom in Metro Detroit in 1989 after graduating with her Masters in Fine Arts from Wayne State University. She was also a sharpshooter in the Detroit Police Reserves.
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2022.01.28 12:46 Legitimate_Category3 Metal with a Fender Telecaster
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2022.01.28 12:46 New-Pickle5139 El INE detecta casi 18 mil personas fallecidas y 700 presos entre firmas para la revocación de mandato.
2022.01.28 12:46 WyldBlu Digging for breakfast...FOUND!
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2022.01.28 12:46 sameredd A little target practice
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2022.01.28 12:46 CathleenBurt Bankers NFT Collection
🔥Monday is coming, #BankersNFT is coming! Learn more about what is Unbanked #NFT and the benefits you can get from owning it. 🚀
#Unbanked #Defi #NFTDrop
💡Check here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zaUVay3-8kw
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2022.01.28 12:46 Babloo_260497 It's funny how in synch the members are both on stage and off stage lol
this video is pure serotonin
Seriously tho, the members unconsciously do things and reflect each other and those moments are some of my favourites to see...
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2022.01.28 12:46 ZanahoriaNaranja Made a Homeworld NFT - I know no one would buy it but I just want to immortalize the game for others to see.
2022.01.28 12:46 Hyperion-OMEGA If you can rewrite a ygo series, what would it be, and what changes would you make?
2022.01.28 12:46 PolygonBits PolygonBits🚀link👇👇
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2022.01.28 12:46 mylesrnussbaum Seen in Juba, South Sudan.
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2022.01.28 12:46 The--Tech-Nerd Faced this guy in the elite, TOTY Mbappe and all his back 4 are TOTY. Nightmare to play against two TOTY defenders 🥶
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2022.01.28 12:46 Iconoclastics On a dry spell lately, took a look back at some earlier exchanges.... The naivete! It burns!
2022.01.28 12:46 yyzworker Driver seriously injured in collision with snow plow in Oshawa: police
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2022.01.28 12:46 IwonderAboutMuffins Graphic Glitches in Window Mode.
Some window apps glitches, no sure why. But it is really random. Some get these glitches. And the windows apps are usually fine for the first few seconds and then it looks like this.
Does anyone know the problem? I tried to change the cables and it does the same to all of my monitors. The biggest thing that baffles me is that it's totally random which apps in window modes get this problem.
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2022.01.28 12:46 Icy_Cat4821 [SPOILER] Questions
1-Do you think Charlotte took Zeke at the end of Ep7 when Ruth comes in freaking out and Wendy tells her to go outside? When Ruth leaves you can see the baby seat but I don’t think you can see if the baby is still in the seat.
2-Do you like the idea of Ruth and Frank Jr getting together? Seems like they may be hinting at them getting together. I like Frank jr a lot more without Frank sr.
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